Stage One, section 1: Impact of Caregiving

You and Your Family

Consciously realize that you are becoming a caregiver and consider what impact this may have on your life and the lives of your immediate family. If your care receiver is still fairly independent, take that vacation you and your family have been putting off. If you are an adult child, realize that providing care aging relatives means less attention for your spouse and children. They need a chance to talk about how they feel and to be involved in your decision.

The members of your immediate family should be encouraged to have a role in caregiving. Your teenager may mow her grandfather's lawn, and your children may provide afternoon or weekend respite care visits that will be good for them as well as for the person visited. Your spouse may help with shopping and take care of some of the chores you used to do for your immediate family.

Keep up your friendships, make certain that you maintain contact with your religious (faith) community, and plan time every day and week for something relaxing and enjoyable for yourself. Make a list of your favorite leisure activities, especially ones that can be enjoyed in short increments of time, in case you become so busy as a caregiver later that you forget to include some of these mini-vacations for your mind and body. It is also helpful to schedule a weekly activity with your immediate family that would be fun and not involve caregiving.

Your Extended Family

As the primary caregiver, itis important to keep your extended family informed about how things are changing and to include them as part of the informal support system. If possible, let them share in decision making. You may encounter denial or resistance on the part of your brothers and sisters, and, if caring for your spouse, his parents and his siblings.

An extended family meeting can be helpful, with those who cannot come in person contacted by telephone (conference calling service makes this easier) or e-mail. The person needing care should also be part of the discussion if competent. The older person's income available for his or her care needs to be compared to the expenses of caregiving. It will help you to make an informed decision as to whether you can accept the role of primary caregiver if you know what your care receiver's budget will cover and what help you can get from your extended family.

Ask your extended family for specific support. Perhaps different family members can:

• handle the yard work or pay for the lawn service as a gift
• help with financial issues
• prepare weekly meals
• visit your aging parent for a week while your family takes a vacation.

Your Friends and Neighbors

Friends, neighbors, and members of your place of worship or your care receiver's place of worship should be seen as part of your informal support system, also. Make a list of names, addresses, and telephone numbers of people who might assist your care receiver. If anyone has offered specific help, write that by his or her name. This list may be a real help to you at a later time.

If someone makes a vague offer of help, find out more by asking questions like these:

• What can I call on you to do?
• What are you comfortable doing?
• Are there things you would rather not do?
• When are you available?
• How often can you help?

For more information, see Stage Two: Finding Help, sections 1 and 2.

Helpful Resources

• A book that talks about subjects such as sibling stress, shared decision making, and "when siblings don?t share" is Caring for Yourself While Caring for Your Aging Parents-How to Help, How to Survive by Claire Berman.

• A book that asks you, "Are You Up for This?" and has practical advice for how to conduct an extended family meeting is The Complete Idiot's Guide to Caring for Aging Parents by Linda Colvin Rhodes, Ed. D. (Note: this insulting title identifies this book as part of the Complete Idiot's series on how to understand almost anything. If you can get past the title, it has good information inside.)

• A good article on involving others can be found on the AARP web site, www.aarp.org. On the home page, click on 'Care and Family', then on 'Caregiving', followed by 'Involving the Whole Family'.

• More articles on involving others can be found on Eldercare Online, www.ec-online.net. Run a Search for 'Family Dynamics'. This web site also includes a Glossary of Eldercare Terminology.

• Also see Caregiver Books and Videos and Caregiver Web Sites. Our Glossary of Aging Terms and Glossary of Acronyms may be helpful, also.