Stage Four, section 7: Memorials to the Deceased

Many people find it helpful to create their own grieving rituals and memorials to the deceased person. Here are suggestions:

• Read through the life review book, look at the reminiscence videotape or listen to the audiotape, and read notes that friends and family wrote in the journal or notebook you or the nursing home provided visitors during your care receiver's last days. If you don't have any of these things, read sweet notes that people sometimes include in their sympathy cards and letters.

• Look at old slides, home movies, and photo albums. If photos are not in an album, arrange them and make one now. If you wish, take one of those classes on how to make scrapbook-like photo albums with written comments and acid-free paper.

• Start a scholarship or contribute to a charity in his or her honor.

• Participate in a fundraiser or become a volunteer for an organization that provided support to your family during your caregiving days.

• Create an indoor or backyard memorial. Make a memory box or have family members make special memory ornaments for the tree.

• Plant a tree, a rose garden, or other living reminder of the deceased.

• Make a quilt, collage, or teddy bear from some of his or her clothes.

• Spend private time reading or praying in a peaceful location that helps you feel connected to the deceased. This might be a bedroom he or she used, the car he or she drove, or a beautiful spot in nature, perhaps near the bird feeders, fish pond, or garden you used to look at together.

• Host a celebration in a favorite restaurant on the anniversary of his or her birth or death. Invite relatives and friends. Share things such as the photo album, life review book, and notebook in which friends and family wrote their stories and appreciation.

• If you took over responsibility for your care receiver's pet, treat the pet with tenderness. Try to recreate some of the activities your care receiver and pet used to do together. These might include going for walks, watching television together, and having snacks.

• Provide memorial flowers at place of worship and your care receiver's place of worship. Buy your care receiver's favorite flowers for your home.

• Pass on traditions such as cooking special holiday foods to other members of the family.

• Visit your care receiver's favorite places, locally or places you have traveled.

• Give important possessions of the deceased a place on honor in your home or in current family traditions.

• Write stories or poetry about the deceased. Share stories about the deceased with the next generation.

• Share the old home movies, slides, and videos that show the deceased during his or her life. Old movies and slides can be professionally transferred to newer formats such as videotape or DVDs. Pass these on to the next generation rather than letting them be sold in estate sale boxes or thrown away because the equipment to show them is not made anymore.

Next: Reconnecting.