Stage Four, section 4: Common Concerns of the Dying

Being aware of needs that people who are dying should make it easier to help your care receiver meet these needs.

A study by the Veterans Affairs Medical Center in Durham, North Carolina, found that terminally ill patients and their families are concerned about the following:

• Prevention of pain is most important. Dying in pain is feared more than death. People need reassurance that pain management is available.

• Patients want to be involved in decisions regarding their treatment.

• Patients and their families want to know what to expect from the fatal condition and treatment.

• Dying persons and their families search for meaning in their lives and relationships at the end of life. Practicing one's faith, life review, and saying goodbye are important activities.

• People who are dying want to contribute to the well-being of others. They find peace in helping loved ones come to grips with their impending death in order to let them go. They also like to leave behind means to care for the needs of their survivors.

• Patients want to be seen as a whole person, not a disease.

Research from this study and others indicates that it is helpful to talk openly about death and to give your care receiver a chance to talk about death. If he or she gives you an opening such as, "When I'm gone" or, "I need to get my finances in order," take it. If you miss your chance and it doesn't come up again, ask a question such as, "Are you afraid of dying?" You can also talk about funeral plans and any advanced directives or other legal matters that have not been completed.

It is not helpful to argue with your care receiver that he or she can recover and is not going to die. Your care receiver will be more peaceful if you make it known that you have accepted his or her death and release him or her with love.

Next: Grieving.